Newsletter #580

The build-up to City’s important BSkyB game at the McAlpine Stadium has rather been sidetracked by a flurry of activity on the transfer front. Wigan are once again chief among a number of clubs looking at our players; they have reportedly agreed a fee for Pollock but as yet he hasn’t been able to agree personal terms. They are also interested in taking Terry Cooke on loan (he’s in jured so this will have to wait), and Benson has also stated that a deal for Dickov is still not out of the question. Going back to tomorrow, City have received the unwelcome news that Robert Taylor may now be out for two weeks; ironically, this might see Taylor II (or is that Taylor I?) getting at run out.

This issue has a couple of views of Saturday’s game and the individual performances. Patrick Scheele has put together his view of the top 50 goals of the last decade (quite a task), an article that is bound to stimulate much debate. There’s also a view of Kinky from a Rams fan, opinion, plenty of humour and a couple of Why Blues.

NEWS SUMMARY

Addicks Extend Lead at the Top

Charlton Athletic have moved seven points clear at the top of Division One. A second half John Robinson goal gave the Addicks a 1-0 win in the all-London clash against Fulham. The Blues, who now have a game in hand on the leaders, have the chance to peg the gap back to four points at Huddersfield on Friday. Charlton aren’t in league action at the weekend – they have an FA Cup quarter final engagement away to Bolton. Third-placed Ipswich visit struggling Crewe on Saturday.

Benson Hopeful Over Pollock Deal

There are reports that City’s Jamie Pollock may not be able to agree personal terms with Wigan Athletic after the two clubs agreed a fee for the player. But boss John Benson is hopeful that the midfielder will sign for the Latics. The Second Division promotion hopefuls have agreed to pay £900,000 for Pollock, with incentive clauses potentially taking the deal’s value to the £1 million Joe Royle paid Bolton for the ex-Middlesbrough player in March 1998. In just under two years at Maine Road, Pollock has played in 49 league games, including eight substitute appearances, and scored four goals. City manager Joe Royle paid tribute to the player’s attitude, saying the move represented, “a good deal for both clubs because I can guarantee that Jamie will give Wigan full value for their money.”

Royle Refuses to Name Transfer Targets

Jamie Pollock’s proposed move to Wigan has fuelled rumours that the Blues could be set to move into the transfer market as buyers. Joe Royle has admitted he has in mind a number of players whom he feels would be worthwhile acquisitions but has declined to be drawn on the identities of potential targets. Royle was reportedly in Scotland earlier in the week to watch a reserve match between Rangers and Aberdeen, sparking speculation that the Blues could be interested in the Glasgow club’s Italian striker Marco Negri. City have also been linked in recent weeks with two more Ibrox stars in Andrei Kanchelskis and Colin Hendry. Royle’s latest comments neither confirm nor refute any of these stories, with the Blues’ boss prepared to concede only that, “We have a number of players we think might improve the side and if the time is right and the money is right we’d be interested.” Thursday’s Manchester Evening News speculates that Royle could make two major signings before next month’s transfer deadline.

Pollock Sale to Herald Haaland Move?

One theory following the news of Jamie Pollock’s proposed transfer is that the Blues will finally swoop for Leeds utility man Alf-Inge Haaland if Pollock does join Wigan. Royle said earlier in the week no move for the Norwegian was imminent but the rumour is that the situation may now change. The City manager commented, “I won’t deny that we have shown interest in Haaland but there has been no communication between the clubs for weeks.” But the reported £900,000 fee for Pollock is an amount similar to Leeds’ rumoured asking price for the versatile Haaland, who could provide Royle with another defensive option in the short term and the midfield steel formerly supplied by Pollock in the longer term. The player has indicated on more than one occasion that he’d be keen to move to Maine Road.

Cooke to Follow Former Skipper?

After the news of Jamie Pollock’s possible move to Wigan, it’s emerged that Terry Cooke could have moved to the JJB Stadium on loan. But the deal is now in doubt after the player sustained an injury playing for City’s reserve side. If the player recovers from his injury quickly, it seems that the move could be revived. The winger has apparently indicated he’d be unwilling to drop down a division on a permanent basis. However, Wigan boss John Benson is reportedly prepared to pay £600,000 for Cooke if the temporary spell was a success – and the player may feel more favourably disposed to joining the Latics in the summer if they’ve earned promotion to Division One.

Vaughan Hopes Raised as Forest Drop Ruddock Interest

It’s emerged that Nottingham Forest, and not the Blues, were the First Division club showing an interest last week in West Ham’s Neil Ruddock. But latest reports from the Midlands claim that the move is dead – news which will boost Tony Vaughan. The City defender is on loan at the City Ground with a view to a permanent move and the prospect looks more likely if it’s true that Forest boss David Platt has elected not to pursue his interest in the former Spurs and Liverpool defender. Vaughan has seen possible moves to Cardiff and Norwich fall through for financial reasons and will be hoping for a case of third time lucky in Nottingham after making an impressive start on his début at Walsall on Saturday.

More Interest in Unwanted Taylor?

Gareth Taylor has returned from his loan spell at Port Vale. But at least one club is said to be keen on signing the transfer-listed City striker. Ironically Vale manager Brian Horton was among the crowd as the Blues’ reserves beat Tranmere on Tuesday. And the one-time City boss was joined by representatives from Wigan and Burnley among others. Whether either of the two latter clubs is the Second Division outfit supposedly showing an interest in the ex-Sheffield United front man is anyone’s guess – they may have been present to watch Terry Cooke’s injury-curtailed appearance.

Four Set for Call-Ups

City pair Kevin Horlock and Jeff Whitley have been called into new boss Sammy McIlroy’s Northern Ireland squad for a friendly in Luexmbourg on 23 February. The duo will be two of four Maine Road men on international duty that week. Mark Kennedy has already been selected for the Republic of Ireland party to face Czech Republic on the same date. And the quartet was completed when Nicky Weaver was picked for the England under-21 squad for a match against Argentina at Fulham’s Craven Cottage 24 hours earlier. The City goalkeeper is battling with Leeds’ Paul Robinson and Arsenal’s Stuart Taylor for selection. City manager Joe Royle will be hoping the four emerge unscathed from their representative duties, with the Blues taking on Walsall the following Saturday.

City Rocked by Striker Injury Blow

Reports at the start of the week indicated that Robert Taylor should be fit to return for the Blues’ next match after missing the weekend visit of Norwich. But now there are claims that the ex-Gillingham player could still be sidelined at Huddersfield on Friday. The news will come as a blow to the 28-year-old, whose excellent strike at Nottingham Forest at the start of the month had raised hopes he might soon start repaying his £1.5 million transfer fee. “What started as a calf strain last Friday is now a full blown injury to his calf,” manager Joe Royle told the club’s official website at http://www.mcfc.co.uk/. “It could be two weeks before Robert is back. He hasn’t had much luck, I don’t know how many black cats he has run over!”

Cooke Injury Leaves Scouts Disappointed

Terry Cooke was the focus of attention for a possee of scouts as he took the field for City’s reserves at Hyde on Tuesday evening. But the winger’s bid to impress was thwarted by injury. Cooke played for only five minutes of the game against Tranmere before an ankle problem forced his substitution. The Blues won the game 3-0 to go to the top of the Pontin’s League Premier Division. Goals from Steve Jordan, Terry Dunfield and Danny Allsopp sealed the victory.

More Stick for “Sexist” Royle

Joe Royle’s admission that he doesn’t “approve of female officials in professional football” has already drawn criticism from PFA boss Gordon Taylor. And the attack on the City manager has continued on Tuesday. Several columnists have gone into print to take Royle to task. And today, an FA statement called the controversial outburst “regrettable and ill-considered.” The governing body also backed referee’s assistant Wendy Toms, who will officiate in this month’s Worthington Cup final, noting that English football’s first female match official was “joint top of the entire list of assistant referees in an independent assessment.”

Defensive Trio Boost Bruce

Huddersfield Town have lost touch with the teams challenging for an automatic Division One promotion place after a dismal run. But three key defenders look set to boost manager Steve Bruce ahead of Friday’s clash with the Blues. Central defenders Chris Lucketti and Ken Monkou look set to come into contention after both featured in a behind-closed-doors friendly against York on Tuesday. And full-back Jamie Vincent, who missed the Terriers’ defeat at Ipswich on Saturday with a cracked rib, could also defy the pain barrier to play. Meanwhile, Bruce is still on the look-out for reinforcements after raising cash through the sale of Marcus Stewart a fortnight ago. But the ex-Manchester United defender has denied speaking to Joe Royle about Terry Cooke.

City Look for McAlpine Retreat

Manchester City make their third ever visit to Huddersfield’s McAlpine Stadium on Friday. The Blues were unbeaten on their two previous trips to the venue and a repeat of the last game there would be more than welcome. The game in March 1998 ended in a 3-1 win for City, and Joe Royle will be looking for a similar result on this occasion to put pressure on Ipswich when the East Anglians take the field 24 hours later. Those who like to be reassured by omens will find grounds for optimism in the fact that on that occasion, just as this season, the Blues travelled to West Yorkshire having suffered a 1-0 reverse at home to the Terriers earlier in the campaign.

VIEW FROM BC

Well, after a hiatus of nearly 15 years, I finally managed to make it to back to Maine Road from my home in Canada. My goodness has the place changed in the meantime.

I’ve been a Blue since 1955, the year we lost in the Cup Final to Newcastle. Forty five years is a long time and it was tremendously rewarding to see that old City traditions have been handed faithfully down the generations to the current team. Mediocre performances against weak teams have long been a part of our heritage and I was proud of the lads on Saturday as they did their bit for posterity. The difference at the moment seems to be that, whereas we used to lose to (old) 3rd Division teams in the Cup at home the week after we hammered Liverpool away, now we win.

I’ve been following the ongoing debate on the subject “Are we good enough for the Premiership”. Well, if Norwich are an example of a mid Div 1 team, we should have no trouble at all, either directly or via the play-offs. It was interesting, however, to see the players’ quality for myself and compare it to what’s been written lately. I was impressed most by Gerard Wiekens. Calm, classy defender; reminded me of a smaller Mike Doyle. Nick Weaver looked every inch a worthy successor in a long line of excellence in goalkeeping at Maine Road. A point that was particularly noteworthy for me came when I was watching him warm up before the game. Great though Bert Trautmann, Joe Corrigan and Alex Williams were, I never saw them ball juggle the way Nicky can. It’s an interesting indication of the quality of the modern game that goalies can actually play football these days. Shaun Goater will be fine one division higher as long as he has a quality strike partner and although I’m told that Mark Kennedy has been off form lately and although he only played for 20 minutes on Saturday, 10 at the beginning and 10 at the end, his class is self evident. That, however, is that. Dickov reminded me of Frannie Lee minus the skill. I’ve read that he falls down a lot. He must have read the same, so why is he still doing it? The ref had obviously done his reading and was having none of it from the off. Didn’t stop Paul from doing it though. I was hoping that the negative comments I’ve read about Richard Edghill were inaccurate, particularly since he’s obviously such a nice guy, long serving, loyal and all that. But, oh dear, he gives the opposition so much free ball. Given the mediocrity of the game it was not surprising that no one else stood out. I just hope that we have more than the above 4 gentlemen to see us into and help us stay in the Premiership.

Some related notes. I was tremendously disappointed not to see the vaunted seagull/hawk on the Kippax – or was I looking in the wrong place? Overhanging the Gene Kelly? The new laser blue strip is excellent. Norwich always did have one of the silliest strips in football but their new version is the silliest yet.

I was hoping to hear some of the latest chants and songs, especially Blue Moon but all I got was a half-hearted rendition after Kennedy’s second ie with 5 minutes to go. My daughter was at the 6-0 slaughter of Sheff U in August. She’s from Montreal, is used to the sedate behaviour of Canadian baseball crowds and thought the singing was the best part of her trip. Was this typical or were the Kippax quieter than usual?

Lastly and with regard to the above remarks on maintenance of tradition, I was gratified to see that the great great grandpups of the dogs that left evidence of their (substantial) dinners all over Moss side in my youth are still at it with renewed and undiminished vigour. What would a visit to Maine Road be without having to scrape your shoes a few times?

All in all it was great to be back and to rediscover roots and traditions. All real Mancunians are Blue and I for one will always be that way.

Best to everyone.

RATINGS

After reading one of the match reports and points awarded to each player I decided that I would send in my own thoughts.

Weaver – 6 – Had nothing to do and although he pulled off one good save, he should have stopped Roberts’ goal and he should have done better late on when Granville cleared off the line. He is a great ‘keeper and will surely be great for a long time but he is not the finished article.
Granville – 6 – He cleared off the line and he threw himself at oncoming strikers. He has a dodgy streak as every tackle he went in for he looked as if he was going to foul; against leeds he did foul and got penalised. In the Premiership he will get booked for every tackle like that.
Wiekens – 5 – Occasional dodgy backpass – this is not the same consistent centre back we had last year; he is suspect at the back, and, although he makes some great tackles he also backs off and has a tendency to get the ball and hoof it upfield and it does not work (MK’s first goal excepted).
Jobson – 7 – Had a good game but not a great game – tackles well and good in the air but he tends to pass back rather than forward.
Edghill – 6 – I like Reg, he is a good defender but he is a dreadful wing back and asking him to run up and back is not working and he is getting stick for it.
Kennedy – 7 – Came out laughing, set up a goal, drifted out of the game for 70 minutes then came back with two terrific strikes. Hopefully his goals will bring his confidence back.
Bishop – 5 – Poor; passes were drifting everywhere and never looked in the game.
Horlock – 6 – Great player, average game. Did little and was often overrun by the five man midfield.
Whitley – 9 – Great game; harried everyone, got the ball most times and did not stop running for ninety minutes – superb. Surely our best young player after Weaver?
Dickov – 4 – Get off the floor and stop whingeing. Someone ought to teach him about the little boy who cried wolf.
Goater – 7 – Superb header for the goal. Won most things in the air but seemed to bottle it if he was more than ten yards away.
Pollock – 8 – Changed the game; came on and, like Whitley, started running the midfield.
Allsopp – 5 – Please can we have Wright-Phillips on the bench? Danny was awful, he should have scored when he beat the ‘keeper but bottled it.

DOH-ERTY!

Wasn’t it sad to see Ken Doherty lose in the snooker to a spotty youth from Wales? And wasn’t it a shame that he didn’t get the £80,000 sports car special prize because he choked on an easy black which would have given him a 147 maximum break? I was crying… with laughter.

Before you accuse me of being cruel, you should note that this man is a self-proclaimed “obsessive” Rag. Not only that, he once had the audacity to parade his (one and only) World Championship trophy around The Swamp before a game. Not so sympathetic to this prat now, are you?

He should realise from his own sport that City are superior to United. The blue is worth 5 times more than the red. I rest my case (cue laughter).

While I’m on an anti-Rag tirade, those b****ers are going to cost me some money shortly. I get a free mobile phone through work and unfortunately the phone network is, yup you’ve guessed it, Vodafone, the Rags’ new shirt sponsor. I will ask work if they will change the network but I think it’s a fixed contract so that means I have to go and out buy my own. The only positive is that at least it isn’t Microsoft who I hate with a vengeance already (Active Directory? – you must be stark raving bonkers Mr. Gates).

On the flipside, how long before the official embargo on Sharp products is lifted? The same length of time as their contract lasted with the Rags? Double that? Have you ever refused to watch a Sharp television or refused a meal from a Sharp microwave? If the answer’s yes, you’re as sad as me and it’s got to be never!

SIEMENS S25/C25

I have finally got round to putting together the codes for the Siemens S25/C25.

If anyone wants it let me know, and I will email it to you.

BEVERLEY CSA – HUDDERSFIELD GAME / NEXT MEETING

As a fair proportion of our members are actually going to the Huddersfield game, coupled with a problem with using the Beaver pub this Friday, a straw poll of members suggests it will be better to cancel the meeting planned for this Friday night and instead meet up after the Charlton game on 19th March. I’ll re-post in McVittee nearer the time and remind the regulars through the usual channels. Sorry for any inconvenience.

ESSEX AND SUFFOLK CSA

Members of the Essex and Suffolk branch of the CSA will be meeting on Friday the 18th February 2000 to watch the Huddersfield game live on Sky at a different venue than our usual Duke of Wellington public house, Hatfield Peveral. We will be meeting from 7pm at Seabright’s Barn, Galleywood Road, Great Baddow, Chelmsford in Essex. New members are always welcome and can take part in our new “Predict the time of the first goal” competition. It’s a rollover! Details from Paul Gallagher 01708 787227 (evenings) 07980 195243 (mobile) or E-mail paulg@mancity.net.

GOAL OF THE 90’s

I wrote in MCIVTA a couple of weeks ago about my plan to make a list of the best City goals of the 90’s. One list of my own and one list based on your votes. Firstly, thanks to you who sent me your votes for best goal of the 90’s. I’ve given your best goals 5 points, 2nd best 4 points etc. Here is your list:

15.

Shaun Goater 1-0 (ended 1-0) Nottingham (h) 30/08/99 (1 point)

12.

Uwe Rösler 2-2 (ended 3-2) Blackburn (a) 17/04/95 (2 points)

12.

Gio Kinkladze 1-0 (ended 1-0) Aston Villa (h) 25/11/95 (2 points)

12.

Gio Kinkladze 2-0 (ended 5-0) Leicester (h) FA Cup 17/01/96 (2 points)

10.

Paul Dickov 2-2 (5-3 on pens) Gillingham (Wembley) Play-Off final 30/05/99 (3 points)

10.

Gio Kinkladze 1-0 (ended 1-4) Middlesbrough (a) 09/12/95 (3 points)

8.

Niall Quinn 1-0 (ended 1-1) Bolton (a) 30/03/96 (4 points)

8.

Colin Hendry 3-1 (ended 3-3) Man Utd (h) 27/10/90 (4 points)

6.

Gio Kinkladze 1-0 (ended 6-0) Swindon (h) 27/09/97 (5 points)

6.

Terry Phelan, City’s 1st (ended 2-4) Tottenham (h) FA Cup 07/03/93 (5 points)

5.

Alan Kernaghan 4-0 (ended 4-1) Leicester (h) FA Cup 08/01/94 (8 points)

3.

Mark Kennedy 1-0 (ended 1-0) Bolton (a) 28/08/99 (9 points)

3.

Gio Kinkladze 2-0 (ended 2-1) Southampton (h) 16/03/96 (9 points)

1.

Gio Kinkladze 1-1 (ended 1-2) West Ham (h) FA Cup 25/01/98 (10 points)

1.

Ian Brightwell 1-1 (ended 1-1) Man Utd (a) 03/02/90 (10 points)

Now to my own list. I managed to make a Top 50 list. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to watch the goals from our relegation season 97/98 since no video was available for that season. Reading your list above indicates that there were some good Gio goals that season but since I haven’t seen them they’re not on my list. I’ve also missed out on some Cup goals, like Phelan’s goal above, since not all Cup games are shown on the season videos. It’s been many hours in front of my video to complete the list. On the list there’s as many as 10 goals from last season and that’s the biggest amount from any particular season. Whether that’s because we played crap teams or if we really were that good I don’t know but fact is that we scored some really good goals last season. My list is only based on the beauty of the goals, not the importance. So here is my Top 50 list.

50.

Niall Quinn 1-0 (ended 1-3) Southampton (a) 26/12/90
Some nice play sets up White on the right and his cross finds the on-rushingQuinn whose projectile header finds the roof of the net.

49.

Paul Walsh 2-2 (ended 2-2) Chelsea (h) 30/04/94
Last match of the old Kippax. Long ball from Vonk finds Beagrie on the left.He takes the ball down nicely before skipping by a defender. His cross ismet by Walsh whose header beats the ‘keeper at the near post.

48.

Niall Quinn 1-0 (ended 1-0) Tottenham (a) 19/10/91
A free-kick by Curle just inside City’s own half is taken down by Quinn onthe edge of the area. With a defender in the back, he managed to turn andshoot hard just inside the right post.

47.

Paul Walsh 1-1 (ended 2-1) Newcastle (h) 09/04/94
Beagrie takes the ball on the left after a poor clearance by Newcastle. Heskips past two Newcastle players and from the corner-flag he sends in across which is met by Walsh’s head and the powerful header went in via thebar.

46.

David White 1-0 (ended 2-0) Sheffield Utd (h) 26/12/92
Kick-in from Coton finds Quinn just inside the Sheffield Utd half. Quinntakes it down and finds White, who has just beat the offside trap, totallyfree. White lobs the ball over the ‘keeper with the outside of his rightfoot.

45.

Kevin Horlock 2-1 (ended 2-1) Grimsby (h) 28/12/99
The last City goal of the 90’s and also one for this list. Kennedy (?)crosses the ball to Horlock in the area. Horlock takes it down with his leftfoot and the ball seems to bounce up at his face. He lets the ball bounce onthe ground once before smashing in a left-foot strike into the top leftcorner.

44.

Mark Ward 2-0 (ended 2-0) Sheffield Utd (h) 19/01/90
Ian Brightwell’s cross from the right ends up a couple of yards outside thearea to Ward. He curls a wonderful shot into the top right corner.

43.

David White 2-0 (ended 2-1) Liverpool (h) 21/08/91
Kick-in by Coton, flick-on by Quinn, White takes it in his run and from theleft side of the area his shot hits the bar and just inside. It takes acouple of seconds before the ref gives the goal.

42.

Clive Allen 3-1 (ended 3-1) Notts Co (a) 06/10/91
White challenging a defender for the ball at the right corner flag, thedefender falls over the flag while trying to clear the ball (looks reallyfunny) and White gets the ball. His cross is met by Allen on volley (itlooks like he’s lying down when he hits the ball) and beats the ‘keeper atthe near post.

41.

Adrian Heath 1-0 (ended 1-0) Norwich (a) 16/04/90
On the break Ward makes a dummy, finds Clive Allen on the right touch-linewho in turn plays a delightful pass to Heath who’s totally free and he makesno mistakes, shooting under the ‘keeper.

40.

Fitzroy Simpson 1-1 (ended 1-1) Norwich (a) 04/03/95
A high ball towards the area is shouldered (yes shouldered) down by Quinn toSimpson whose half-volley from the edge of the area is thumping into theright hand side of the net.

39.

Gerry Creaney 2-1 (ended 2-1) Charlton (h) 03/09/96
Yes, that Gerry Creaney. A really nice free-kick it was too. A few yardsoutside the area to the left. Creaney curls it low past the wall and intothe bottom left corner.

38.

Kevin Horlock 1-0 (ended 1-0) Ipswich (h) 26/10/99
Dickov gets the ball on the right with his back to the goal. He turns andchips the ball over a defender at the same time, running towards the by-linehe crosses the ball into the area. Horlock comes rushing forward and meetsit with his left foot at the six-yard box and the ball goes straight up inthe roof of the net.

37.

Paul Walsh 3-0 (ended 4-0) Everton (h) 27/08/94
McMahon on the counter attack, plays it to the right to Summerbee. With justone touch Summerbee plays it in the middle where Walsh comes on-rushing andhe places the ball just inside the right post from the edge of the area.

36.

Niall Quinn 2-0 (ended 3-1) Crystal Palace (a) 01/04/91
Heath plays it to White on the right side. His cross is met on volley byQuinn just inside the area and the ball finds the top right corner.

35.

Lee Crooks 1-1 (ended 1-1) Chesterfield (a) 27/02/99
Throw-in to City on the right. The ball goes via Goater and Brown to Crookson the left side. Crooks advances and from a couple of yards outside thearea he lets go with a good shot that goes in via the right post.

34.

Uwe Rösler 1-0 (ended 1-2) Man Utd (a) FA Cup 18/02/96
Kick-in finds Kinky just inside United’s half. He has his back against theUtd goal but still manages to spot Uwe’s run and the pass is inch perfect.Uwe is totally free and he chips Schmeichel. Even though Schmeichel gets ahand to the ball he can’t stop it going in.

33.

Maurizio Gaudino 1-0 (ended 1-1) Everton (a) 15/03/95
Free-kick in City’s half. A long ball is flicked on by Quinn to Rösler onthe left side. Rösler plays a high ball into the middle where Gaudino comesrushing forward and meets the ball on half-volley a few yards outside thearea. The shot goes into the left bottom corner.

32.

Paul Walsh 2-0 (ended 4-0) Everton (h) 27/08/94
Ian Brightwell with a long ball from the right, flicked on by Rösler toMcMahon who runs into the right side of the area but instead of shooting hesets up Walsh inside him. Walsh wrong steps the ‘keeper and can roll it in anempty net.

31.

Mike Sheron 1-2 (ended 2-3) Leeds (a) 04/12/93
Kick-in from Coton to Griffiths just outside the area. Griffiths leaves itfor Sheron whose cracker from just outside the area finds the top leftcorner.

30.

Ian Brightwell 4-0 (ended 4-0) Leeds (h) 07/11/92
Brightwell breaks a Leeds attack. He runs with the ball on the right sidebefore playing it to Quinn. Quinn, with two touches, finds Sheron who withone touch finds Brightwell again who has kept on running forward. Brightwellgets free in the right hand side of the area and finishes the move with ashot inside the near post.

29.

Paul Dickov 2-0 (ended 2-0) Port Vale (a) 10/09/96
Kavelashvili has the ball at the right, just as he gets into Port Vale’shalf he passes a through ball to Dickov who is free. Dickov makes a greatlob over the ‘keeper. It looks like a uses the foot as a shovel to “dig” theball over the stranded ‘keeper (I hope you understand what I mean).

28.

Steve Lomas 3-2 (ended 3-3) Nottingham Forest (h) 08/10/94
Cross from the left by Beagrie (I think). Quinn, in the area, chests it downto Lomas who hits it on half-volley into the far right corner.

27.

Niall Quinn 3-0 (ended 4-0) Leeds (h) 04/04/92
McMahon breaks a Leeds attack, plays it to the left to Sheron. Sheron runsinto the middle before passing to Quinn outside the right corner of thearea. Quinn’s got Chris Whyte against him, he makes it just inside the areabefore making an excellent chip over Lukic in Leeds’ goal.

26.

David White 2-1 (ended 2-2) Liverpool (a) 21/12/91
Long ball from Megson towards the right side of the area. Quinn can’t flickit on but White gets to it almost at the touch line. He sees that Grobbelaaris out of his line and from no angle he manages to chip the ball in and itgoes just inside the far post.

25.

Mike Sheron 1-0 (ended 1-1) Coventry (h) 27/08/93
McMahon in the middle of the pitch finds Sheron who plays a very niceone-two with Quinn which sets him free and he ends the attack with abeautiful lob over the ‘keeper.

24.

Terry Cooke 2-0 (ended 2-2) Bristol R (a) 01/05/99
Free-kick a couple of yards outside the area to the left. Cooke hits alovely curling free-kick over the wall and into the top left corner via thebar. That Beck-‘whatshisname’ couldn’t have done it better.

23.

Carl Griffiths 1-1 (ended 2-1) Ipswich (h) 05/02/94
David Rocastle stands on the right side surrounded by 3 Ipswich-players. Hesteps on the ball and with a marvellous dummy somehow gets away from theminto free space. His cross is met by Griffiths who steers it in the farcorner. Goal of the season.

22.

Danny Tiatto 1-1 (ended 1-1) Derby (a) Worthington Cup 16/09/98
Crooks (I think) with the ball at the right. A cross is missed by one Cityforward and cleared away, but only to Tiatto at the edge of the area whodespite the ball coming from the right somehow makes a jump and kicks itwith his left foot. The ball cracks into the left corner. It really lookedstrange the way he hit the ball but it was beautiful.

21.

Gio Kinkladze 1-0 (ended 1-0) Aston Villa (h) 25/11/95
Throw-in to City on the left side. Kinkladze gets the ball, he finds Quinnjust inside the area, Quinn holds up the ball for 2 seconds before playing awonderful back heel to Kinkladze who has kept on running. Kinky, free in theleft side of the box, shoots in the far right corner.

20.

Shaun Goater 4-0 (ended 7-1) Notts Co (h) Worthington Cup 19/08/98
Someone breaks a County build-up and plays the ball to Dickov just outsidethe D. Dickov back-heels it superbly to the on-rushing Goater whose finishon half-volley from just inside the area is first class. Top left corner.

19.

Gary Flitcroft 5-2 (ended 5-2) Tottenham (h) 22/10/94
Kinkladze-run by Paul Walsh on the left beating 4 or 5 Spurs players. Hisruns ends up in the left side of the area and he passes the ball toFlitcroft who just has to finish it off.

18.

Paul Dickov 1-1 (ended 1-1) Darlington (a) Worthington Cup 04/12/98
Corner for City from the right. Cleared by Darlington but only to Dickov atthe right corner of the area. He hits it on volley over a jumping defenderinto the left corner. Great volley!

17.

David White 2-0 (ended 3-1) Everton (a) 31/10/92
On the break Holden gets the ball on the left, he finds White who for onceis on the left hand side. White cuts in and at the left corner of the box hefires in a looping shot which goes over Southall and just under the bar.Goal of the season.

16.

Mark Ward 1-1 (ended 1-1) Millwall (a) 07/04/90
Long ball from Reid finds Hendry who passes to Ward. Ward looks forsomeone to play the ball to but advances at the same time. He turns a defender andadvances to 2-3 yards outside the area before shooting with his right footin the top right corner.

15.

Shaun Goater 1-0 (ended 1-0) Colchester (a) 20/03/99
A ball from Cooke in the middle of the pitch finds Goater. Goater takes itdown on his thigh/stomach, lets it bounce once and just as he’s attacked by adefender he lets fly from a couple of yards outside the area. The ball getsthat lovely looping path and it goes into the top left corner.

14.

Colin Hendry 3-1 (ended 3-3) Man Utd (h) 27/10/90
City breaks a Utd attack and the ball falls to Hendry. He does a nice chipover a Utd player before continuing forward. Plays a one-two with Quinnwhich sets him free in the right corner of the area and he finishes theattack with a ball past Leighton.

13.

Craig Russell 1-1 (ended 1-2) York (a) 19/12/98
A York long ball is headed back by a City player and Russell rushes on toit. He’s outside the area on the right, approaching the by-line, when helobs the ball towards goal and it gets over the ‘keeper and finds its way intothe far right corner.

12.

Shaun Goater 1-0 (ended 1-0) Wigan (a) 17/10/98
Crooks on the right plays the ball to Mason on the right touch-line. Masonplays a high ball towards Goater who is running towards the area. Goater,running in the same direction as the ball, hits it perfectly on volley intothe right corner. Great finish!

11.

Nicky Summerbee 3-1 (ended 3-1) Grimsby (h) 16/04/97
Summerbee gets the ball deep into City’s half at the right. He passes toKinky, also on the right, who starts a run from the midway line. He tricksand turns until he’s at the edge of the area and has 4 defenders around him.He then plays an opening ball to the left, with the outside of his foot,where Summerbee is totally free in the area. Summerbee finishes in style,via the bar. Goal of the season.

10.

Peter Beagrie 3-2 (ended 4-3) QPR (a) Coca-Cola Cup 25/10/94
Kick-in by Dibble, a flick-on finds Walsh who beats two players beforesetting up Summerbee on the right. Summerbee runs down the wing, cuts insidebeating two players and passes it back to Walsh whose shot is saved by thekeeper but Beagrie gets the rebound and he shoots a spectacular high volleyinto the empty net.

9.

Steve Redmond 2-0 (ended 2-2) Luton (a) 17/11/90
A free-kick special. Free-kick just outside the Luton area. Three man overthe ball but instead of them taking the shot they pass it in the middle toan on-rushing Redmond who blasts it home in the top left corner. Goal of theseason.

8.

Michael Brown 1-0 (ended 1-0) Darlington (h) Worthington Cup 15/12/98
Extra time. Edghill with a cross from the right to Dickov but his shot isblocked. The rebound goes to Brown a few yards outside the area. Brownadvances and somehow manages to get past 5 Darlington players packed at theedge of the area. He also rounds the ‘keeper but he stumbles a bit and hegets the ball behind himself. He turns and shoots the ball into the emptynet though. Definitely a Kinkladze style of goal although without the samecontrol.

7.

Andy Morrison 3-0 (ended 3-0) Oldham (a) 07/11/98
Throw-in for City on the right. An Oldham player gets the ball but hisclearance goes to Morrison who heads it towards Goater at the edge of thearea. Goater nods it back to Morrisson who lets fly on volley. An absolutescorcher straight into the top left corner. Goal of the season.

6.

Gio Kinkladze 2-0 (ended 5-0) Leicester (h) FA Cup 17/01/96
Gio gets the ball deep into City’s half and starts running. He beats 3players before coming to the edge of the area where he fires in a low shotin the bottom right corner.

5.

Mark Kennedy 1-0 (ended 1-0) Bolton (a) 28/08/99
Kennedy gets the ball deep into his own half and starts running. No onereally challenges him until he’s a couple of yards outside the area when adefender starts to pressure him. Kennedy then makes a turn to the left andsets up a great strike with his left foot which finds its way into the topleft corner. Goal of the season so far.

4.

Nicky Summerbee 1-1 (ended 4-3) QPR (a) Coca-Cola Cup 25/10/94
Corner for City, cleared by QPR to Summerbee at the edge of the area.Summerbee seems to be forced to step back a step before hitting aspectacular volley into the top right corner. Goal of the season.

3.

Niall Quinn 2-2 (ended 2-2) Luton (a) 23/11/91
Long boll is first flicked-on by Quinn himself to Brightwell at the leftside but getting inside the area Brightwell plays it back to Quinn justoutside the area. Quinn’s great volley loops in over the ‘keeper. Goal of theseason.

2.

Ian Brightwell 1-1 (ended 1-1) Man Utd (a) 03/02/90
What a cracker! Throw-in for City on the left, the ball is cleared to Wardwhose pass is cleared again and the ball falls to Brightwell a couple ofyards outside the penalty area on the right. He shoots with his left footand it finds the far corner of the goal. Goal of the season.

1.

Gio Kinkladze 2-0 (ended 2-1) Southampton (h) 16/03/96
That goal! Lomas passes the ball to Kinky standing near the right touchline.He starts running towards goal, he skips past 4 players and gets free withBeasant in Southampton’s goal. He waits until Beasant goes down and justmakes a little chip into the goal. Absolute magic and of course goal of theseason.

Phew! That’s it. If I would put down the list all over again I would most certainly switch places for some of the goals and some of you may miss some extra-ordinary goals. I’ll end this posting by threatening you that I will do the same thing for this decade so watch this space in about 10 years time.

WATCHING HUDDERSFIELD IN OZ

Optusvision are going to show the Huddersfield vs. City game in Sydney and Melbourne on Saturday 19th at 10am on C7, one of their sports channels with a second chance to see it on Monday 21st at 1.30pm.

I don’t know about Brisbane (do they have electricity!) or the other states, but if you know someone with Optus, make friends and watch the game.

LATE ARRIVAL

In response to the appeal for the latest arriving/earliest leaving players of a couple of issues ago, a friend once told me of a photo he had seen of Rodney Marsh (admittedly a QPR player at that time).

There he stood, in the bookie’s on the Uxbridge Road, dressed in a raincoat over his R’s kit (complete with boots) – the clock on the wall showing 5 minutes to 3…

Possibly apocryphal though.

DAVID OWEN

I was down in the archives the other day researching an article on Gary Owen, when I opened the wrong filing cabinet. I looked in ‘Owen (misc)’ rather than Owen G, for the record. There I stumbled upon a picture of the former Foreign Secretary, SDP founder and all-round Balkan peacemaker David Owen playing in a charity football match. Nothing untoward there, except that he was wearing a City shirt. Date is 1984, shirt is away, red and black striped. Any clues, anyone?

KINKY RAM

I asked in a previous edition of McVittee whether you’d like a report on Kinky when I saw him at Derby recently. A few of you did.

Well, what can I tell you about Kinkladze that you don’t already know? Not much I would surmise. Blimey, what a player! I saw him at the Derby game with Sheffield Wednesday at Pride Park.

He didn’t start. This was a surprise as he’s been praised to the skies in the papers and we all thought he was a cert to start – especially as he’d given up the chance to play for Georgia in a friendly tournament in Malta. This was a classic six-pointer, with Wednesday showing the better play over the last few games, although Derby were unbeaten in five. Indeed Danny Wilson had been awarded Manager of the Month for January (we hoped for the usual kiss of death).

Well, I’ve got to say that if Derby continue for the rest of the season playing like they did in the first half then we might as well get the Nationwide logo printed on the shirts now. They were rubbish. Wednesday looked slick and very keen. They were deservedly up at half time. Could, and should, have been more. The fans were amazed no changes were made at half-time. The chanting for Kinky started almost immediately and wasn’t just restricted to the singing part of the ground. He appeared on 60 minutes (on the pitch that is, not the programme) to rapturous applause.

He made an immediate difference. All of a sudden Derby players could find each other with passes. Incisive running started. We pulled it back to 2-1 (Sibon, a huge forward, had lashed a beauty in from the edge of the area for 2-0). Wednesday still on top but they were crapping themselves every time Kinky got the ball. It looked like it was glued to his feet. Also (and this is a big gripe of mine) he can use both feet. Many players in the Premiership are so one-footed it’s ridiculous. Surely at that level they should at least be able to pass the ball with their “other” foot, if not curl a pearler in from 30 yards.

He created both of our first two goals. It seemed to me that players were happy to make a run because they expected Gio to be able to see the run and have the skill to make the pass. We were pressurising and Wednesday broke away for their third on 88 minutes. The ground began to empty. We scored our second on 90 minutes (Gio causing all the probs again) and managed a scrambled equaliser in the second minute of time added-on. Incredible!

Jim Smith said (is it me or does he sound more and more like he’s drunk half a bottle of strong liquor before each interview?) that he didn’t start him because he feels that Gio can make more of an impact later in the game when it starts to open up. Well, that’s a brilliant way to entice him to sign a permanent contract, Jim.

I hope to God that he does sign him. Derby are not well endowed with “class” players, and there isn’t a classier one playing in the Premiership.

OPINION – TERRY COOKE

If Terry Cooke wants to go, let him. What is Joe Royle supposed to do, drop Bishop and replace him with a second winger, thus unbalancing the whole team? If you had to choose one winger to keep the balance of the side, who would you choose out of Kennedy and Cooke? What Cooke should be doing is following the excellent example set by the previously wild Jamie Pollock, who has got fit and got on with the job, and subsequently got back to playing as a valuable part of the squad. If Cooke asks for a transfer 10 weeks after first being left out of the squad, Royle has no choice but to say ‘good riddance to bad rubbish’. Cooke’s actions show immaturity and lack of passion for the club. Players like Edghill and Goater have got stick in the past but they would bleed blue-blood to play for City. My guess about who buys him? Birmingham City (hometown club) or Huddersfield (Steve Bruce-MUFC connection), for about £600,000. Then after he spits his dummy out there, probably Walsall or Kidderminster Harriers. What a waste of undoubted talent, spoiled by a pathetic, childish attitude and some alleged ‘interesting’ habits. This is not a personal vendetta, I have shouted his name too, and when he was on loan he was fantastic. But as soon as he signed on the dotted line he suddenly became a total waste of space.

OPINION – JOE ROYLE AND WOMEN OFFICIALS

I support Joe Royle on this, I don’t think a woman can understand why men act and react as they do on the football pitch because she will not have played seriously against men. Gordon Taylor is right, you don’t need four legs to ride a horse, you usually require two to do it properly. If women’s soccer is a fast growing sport, I don’t know because I don’t follow the game; they would probably be grateful to use the women officials who are currently officiating the men’s game.

OPINION – BRAZIL: THE FAT ONE NOT THE SOUTH AMERICAN ONE

With City about to play their hundredth game of the season on BSkyB, at Huddersfield tomorrow, no doubt next Monday’s MCIVTA will be full of bleating about Alan Brazil and how he doesn’t like us very much. Who cares? Do what I and most true City fans do. Go to the game and support your club instead of sitting on your a*se at home moaning about everything. I haven’t a clue whether Alan Brazil hates us or not and quite frankly I don’t care, because I don’t watch City on TV. I understand that if you live in Fiji it might be difficult getting to most games. However, it would appear that most of the moaners are based in the UK.

Here’s a tip. Telephone the Maine Road ticket office on: 0161 227 9229. Give them your credit card number and they will sell you a ticket. Then you don’t have to listen to the rantings of a sad former pub landlord and ex-Rag. You’ll just have to put up with the moaning bast*rd who’ll you’ll invariably find sat directly behind you.

Yes, come to think of it I am getting a little tired of sitting in front of you, Kev.

VODAFONE QUERY

I wonder how many people worldwide are handing back their cellphones to “Vodaphone” so as not to be associated with the Rags?

SPORTSLINE 2000

February

Scandal in the NFL as tight end Tony “The Destroyer” Xzpskakavik is pictured without his protective clothing and is revealed as a 4’2″ dwarf, weighing in at a “trim” 5 stones. Mike Tyson continues his “world mission of peace” by beating the crap out of a 53-year-old 2nd rate Belgian boxer in Antwerp. His next opponent is rumoured to be Butch from Pulp Fiction. David Ginola washes his hair before a match.

March

All world football leagues are standardised into divisions of 16 teams, playing each other twice, except in Scotland, where a “Premier” league of 4 teams plays each other 14 times a season. Phil Tufnell gives up smoking. Glenn Hoddle becomes manager of Aston Villa, declaring “it’s nice to work with a chairman who backs you to the hilt”. He immediately appoints David Icke as 1st team coach and Eileen Drewery as assistant manager. Questions are asked by the press when Doug Ellis is seen wandering the corridors of power at Villa Park carrying a 6-foot sabre. Phil Tufnell starts smoking again.

April

Tony Adams is refused entry to the Grand National, but offered a “career opportunity” on Blackpool’s pleasure beach. Manchester City mascot Moonchester is signed to partner Shaun Goater in what Joe Royle describes as “the most attractive pairing I’ve seen for a long time”.

May

Sir Alex Ferguson announces that he is to retire from football to achieve his lifelong ambition of owning his own watch factory. Manchester United appoint the fans’ “dream ticket” of Bryan Robson and Brian Kidd as co-managers. Shares in Manchester United “dip” to 1 penny each on the Stock Market. Newcastle United announce plans to extend their stadium capacity to 100,000 whilst “re-seating” existing season ticket holders (at Scarborough).

June

Phil Tufnell is appointed “fitness guru” to the England cricket squad. All players begin smoking 40-a-day and conduct training sessions “dahn the pub”. John Prescott announces plans to reduce “wasteful” fuel consumption at F1 motor races in the UK, which include limiting the speed of all newly built cars to 30mph, increasing petrol tax to £4-00 per gallon (plus VAT), charging “admission fees” for cars entering the pits and “excessive usage” fees for all cars completing more than 1 circuit of the track at all future British Grands Prix. The British Grand Prix at Silverstone is won by its only entrant, a 13-year old in a pedal car he built himself, sponsored by Marlboro, Benson & Hedges and John Player. John Prescott is chauffeur driven by Rolls Royce from his seat in the main stand, across the track, to the pit enclosure to present the winner with his trophy.

July

Golf’s new sensation, 19-year-old crack addict gangsta homie “putty puts” dedicates his victory at the British open to “all my niggas and all of my bitches”. At Wimbledon, despite being “competitively priced” at £16-50 plus VAT, sales of strawberries & cream are described as “disappointing” during Britain’s wettest July in 2000 years as 35 inches of rain fall in 25 minutes on the opening day’s play. In Sir Cliff Richard’s absence the Prodigy’s Keith Flint sings to the Centre Court crowds. “It was wonderful”, declares a spokeswoman, “we’ve never cleared the place so quickly before”.

August

In the 13th qualifying round of the Champions’ League, plucky Glasgow Rangers (winners of the greater Manchester Sunday pub league) narrowly edge through after opponents Transylvannia Gnashers refuse to play other than evening ties, after dark, without floodlights, dressed in black, wearing capes and are eliminated by UEFA. The new look England cricket team defeat Australia by an innings. Sky T.V. buys 9.9% of every football team in England’s current 6 divisions and announces plans to show live matches every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday.

September

Ali G. is offered the Manager’s job at Wycombe but rejects it on the grounds that he has no wish to “diss all my bruvvas in the Staines massif”. Quentin Tarantino is appointed the MLS “director of football” in the USA in an attempt to “make the product more exciting and viewer friendly”. Rangers reach the 17th qualifying round of the Champions’ League. Sir Alex Ferguson dismisses the entire workforce at his factory due to “poor timekeeping”.

October

The fight game is rocked by allegations that Mike Tyson’s victory against Butch from Pulp Fiction was a “fix”. Glenn Hoddle stands by David Icke despite his comments that during a forthcoming home match “the ground shall open up and the Lord will appear, smiting all those whose stand before him and fail to kneel and honour His word”. Emmanuel Petit accepts the rôle of Cousin It in the forthcoming Addams Family movie. Juninho pledges his future to Middlesbrough.

November

Juninho joins Lazio under the Bosman ruling in a deal worth £15 million over 2 seasons. Quentin Tarantino issues all MLS strikers with handguns and 1973 Isaac Hayes albums. The latest celebrity offspring joins Sky sports news as Brooklyn Beckham hosts the 10am “Let’s Learn Numbers With Brooklyn” football results service. Quentin Tarantino adds to the MLS abolition of goalkeepers and defenders by abolishing midfield players in an attempt to increase goalscoring.

December

Viewers laugh at a joke on BBC’s A Question Of Sport. In her traditional Christmas speech the Queen offers “big ups” to her possee in an attempt to increase 1999’s poor viewing figures. Vinnie Jones’ mobile ‘phone explodes after calling his wife 367 times in an hour. Doug Ellis stands by Glenn Hoddle despite fury over his comments that “David Icke was born in a stable in Bethlehem on December 25th”. A clip of Alan Hansen accidentally smiling during recording of Match Of The Day features on Auntie’s Sporting Bloomers, as does a clip of Alan Brazil praising Manchester City during a Sky commentary. Mike Tyson signs a deal to fight Shaun Goater in the open air at Maine Road. Joe Royle picks Terry Cooke. Just in time for Christmas, Manchester United launch their “available in the club megastore in time for Christmas but never actually worn by the players at any level within the club” strip at an affordable £399 (junior sizes) and £2,550 (adult sizes).

BLUE HUMOUR

Q: Why are David Beckham jokes always so simple?
A: So Posh can understand them

Q: Why does Posh have TGIF on her shoes?
A: Toes Go in First

Q: What do you do when David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell – he’s got a grenade in his mouth

Q: Why don’t Posh & Becks eat bananas?
A: Because they can’t find the zipper

Q: Which Spice Girl is a vegetarian?
A: Posh, because she loves nothing better than a vegetable

Q: What do you call it when Becks gets taken over by a demon?
A: Vacant possession

Q: Why did Becks get excited after he took 6 months to finish his jigsaw?
A: Because on the box it said “from 2-4 years”

Posh & Becks were recently seen in a car park trying to get into their BMW with a coat hanger.
Posh: “David, I can’t seem to get this door unlocked”
Becks: “Well Victoria, you’d better get a move on and try a bit harder. It’s starting to rain and the top’s down”.

David Beckham walks into a pub. The landlord says “A pint of your usual, David?” Beckham replied “No, just a half, then I’m off”.

Posh & Becks were walking through the woods when Posh looked down and said “oh, look at the deer tracks”. Becks has a look and says “those aren’t deer tracks, those are wolf tracks”. “No, those are deer tracks” insists Posh. They kept arguing until the train hit them.

Posh & Becks’s limo broke down and the driver asked them to check that the hazard warning lights were working. So they got out and walked round the back to take a look. “Are they on?” shouted the driver. They replied “yes, no, yes, no, yes, no…”

All taken from Night & Day magazine.

MORE HUMOUR

By way of a change from the usual Rag baiting, but with plenty of potential to raise a laugh or two, here are some Colemanballs, many of which are football related. On a different subject, I noted from the minutes of the Fans’ Committee meeting you published in the last McVittee that there has been a request to the club to bring its website into the 21st century. Hopefully, with the much touted improvements to the ticket office, this means that we will be able to buy match tickets for Maine Road on line. What does everybody else think of this? Is it worth pushing the club to instigate it?

Here we go, famous sporting goofs…

“He’s pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!” (RTE’s George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez’s substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier wit Ireland in Seville, 1992).

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: “It was like being in a foreign country” (Ian Rush)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical” (Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father” (Greg Norman)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious” (Alan Minter)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again” (Terry Venables)

‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.’ (Ron Atkinson)

‘Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.’ (Harry Carpenter – BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

‘Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.’ (Metro Radio)

Dennis Pennis: ‘Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?’
Chris Eubank: ‘On what?’

‘Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.’ (Ron Atkinson)

‘There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class’ (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

‘…and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion’ (John Arlott)

‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them – Oh my God, what have I just said?’ (US TV commentator)

MORE BLUE HUMOUR – BECKHAM SHIPWRECKED

David Beckham, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to Beckham. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until Beckham took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman Beckham had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, Beckham started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear… “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

David Beckham turns up for training, wearing different colored boots – one’s black, and the other one’s brown. Ferguson stops him and tells him to go home and change his boots. “I can’t boss”, says Beckham, “the ones I’ve got at home are just like the ones I’m wearing.”

PLEA FROM LAS PALMAS

Does anyone know of a bar in Las Palmas, Gran Canaria that is showing the game tomorrow evening?

WHY BLUE?

Following on from Ashley’s numerous appeals, I guessed it was time for me to put down my personal experiences.

I was born in Cheetham Hill in 1966 and, strangely for a “Why Blue”, I can’t think of any reason why, as I don’t have any recollection of feeling that I was anything but City. I guess it could have been a reaction to my dad, who had a preference for the Rags (being 18 in 1958 I guess) but, in fairness, he was always more passionate about Lancashire CCC than any football team. One of my earliest football-related memories was discussing a match with a bunch of school friends when I was 6 or 7 where City beat Utd 4-3, and having a big ruck about it in the playground.

It wasn’t until 1976/77 that I managed to badger my dad to taking me to The Academy (we beat West Ham 4-2), and a couple of years later that I was allowed (and could afford) to go by myself. I guess the period between 1981 and 1985 was when I really went on a regular basis, being a season ticket holder, firstly in the Platt Lane before graduating to the Kippax. Some random memories about that period were:

• Alex Williams’ début vs. WBA – it hadn’t occurred to me that anybody butJoe Corrigan could play in goal for City, but he played a blinder.
• The whole “Nicky Reid / Daddy’s Boy” thing – hilarious at the time.
• A Trevor Francis wonder goal vs. Wolves (probably the last time we beat them!)
• Taking a midfield of Aage Hareide, John Ryan and Gary Jackson to TheSwamp, and still going 2 up before being pegged back.
• Peter Bodak putting us out of the Cup and celebrating at the wrong end,and us eventually signing the useless tw*t!
• Gordon Smith failing to score for Brighton vs. The Rags from inches, and us eventually signing the useless tw*t!
• My mate breaking his leg when Derek Parlane scored the last minute winnerat Elland Road and, for some unfathomable reason, the crowd jumped backwardsinstead of forward. Then getting chased through Leeds having to virtuallycarry this guy twice my size, only to disembark at Piccadilly to be met by aRag welcoming committee who’d been having run-ins with Liverpool.The last game I saw as a season ticket holder was the “other” 5-1 (vs.Charlton), which started as a really tense afternoon (memories of Luton weretoo fresh), but ended up as a Carnival.

In the summer of 1985, I went to study in Nottingham, officially because Trent Poly offered the most appropriate course, but more honestly because of the female/male ratio alluded to in a recent MCIVTA. I guess the twin temptations of girls and subsidised beer meant that City took a back seat, to the extent that I wasn’t even aware of the Huddersfield result until the next morning, and had to check all the Sunday papers to make sure it wasn’t a misprint.

After college, I “did a Tebbitt” and moved down to The Smoke where I got to see regular away games, including Stamford Bridge away end (the most desolate place on earth), accidentally booing City on at Highbury (they were wearing yellow for some reason), seeing Gazza rip through us first game of the 90/91 season (last time I saw Lakey play), a stunning Niall Quinn volley at Luton and taking a Blow Up Doll to Watford (I got accused of being a pervert on the tube, and had to deflate her).

By 1993, I’d moved to Banbury in Oxfordshire. It’s a nice place, but there’s bugger all football-related happens there, except for being the home town of one Mr Dermot “MUFC Tattoo” Gallagher (oh, and Gary Glitter, but I’m sure that’s been removed from the tourist books by now). I got up to Maine Road on an irregular basis, and also several Midlands games, including the “thrown” game vs. Villa, where a City fan virtually ran through Nigel Kennedy to shake Robert Plant’s hand at H/T.

Three years ago, I moved out to Hong Kong via Singapore. In that time, I’ve only managed 4 games: Home vs. Swindon (I honestly thought we’d turned a corner that day – how wrong was that?), home vs. Stoke last season (the day that we did finally turn that corner), Wembley (and everyone knows about that game – suffice to say that we must never again be staring down that particular abyss) and Tranmere away this season (nothing game livened up by the antics of “MUFC Tattoo” himself).

I’ve recently moved back to Singapore, where I’m living with the new-found love of my life – an American who, on learning that I was a “soccer” fan from Manchester, jumped to that wrong conclusion. Still, I’m sure it will be fun setting her right on a few things, and I’ll look forward to taking her to Maine Road as soon (and as often) as I can.

So, there you go, less a “Why Blue” more a “Rambling Monologue”. Thanks to all the McVittees / BVers who keep me in the loop, and see you all soon.

WHY BLUE II

It’s all Clive Wilson’s fault. I had happily chosen a winning side in my really early throes of youth, when I supported Liverpool after their numerous title wins in the seventies. Yes, I was a glory hunter, but aren’t all 6-year-olds? Anyway, this continued until my 13th birthday, when I decided to go to a match with my mate Lee and his dad, who attended every game. I never thought I’d get hooked, I just fancied a bit of footy. So Man City vs. West Ham, Milk Cup, November 1983. It was a nil nil draw so what was it that particularly attracted me to the Blues? Clive Wilson. He was rolled the ball by (presumably) Alex Williams just outside his own area. Immediately he was pressurised by Bobby Barnes. Cool as you like he turned him and set off upfield. Bobby came back for more. Clive turned him again, threatening the pass back. Barnes tried again. Yet again Clive turned him and sped upfield. Bobby fell on his a*se. One sublime bit of skill and a comedy fall was enough. It didn’t take long to get caught up in the fervour of what turned out to be a promotion season. And never mind the scouse humour, there is nothing better than a dry Blue wit. I’d wager nobody else remembers what Clive did that night. I will never forget.

RESULTS

Recent results from 3 February 2000 to 16 February 2000 inclusive.

16 February 2000

Wolverhampton Wndrs   4 - 0  Tranmere Rovers

15 February 2000

Birmingham City       1 - 0  Blackburn Rovers
Charlton Athletic     1 - 0  Fulham

League table to 16 February 2000 inclusive.

                             HOME          AWAY        OVERALL
                    P  W  D  L  F  A  W  D  L  F  A  W  D  L  F  A  GD Pts
 1 Charlton Ath.   31 12  2  2 28 11  9  3  3 30 18 21  5  5 58 29  29  68
 2 Manchester City 30 12  0  3 34 11  7  4  4 16 13 19  4  7 50 24  26  61
 3 Ipswich Town    31 12  2  2 32 14  5  7  3 20 16 17  9  5 52 30  22  60
 4 Barnsley        31 11  1  3 36 16  6  4  6 25 30 17  5  9 61 46  15  56
 5 Huddersfield T. 31 11  2  2 34 13  4  4  8 14 21 15  6 10 48 34  14  51
 6 Birmingham City 31 11  3  2 29 13  3  5  7 16 22 14  8  9 45 35  10  50
 7 Wolves          32  9  4  3 29 16  4  6  6 15 20 13 10  9 44 36   8  49
 8 Fulham          31  7  5  3 13  8  4  7  5 14 18 11 12  8 27 26   1  45
 9 Stockport C.    31  7  6  2 25 20  4  4  8 11 22 11 10 10 36 42  -6  43
10 Bolton Wndrs    30  7  5  3 26 18  4  4  7 14 16 11  9 10 40 34   6  42
11 QPR             31  6  9  1 22 15  4  3  8 18 22 10 12  9 40 37   3  42
12 Blackburn R.    30  7  6  2 21 11  3  5  7 15 23 10 11  9 36 34   2  41
13 Grimsby Town    31  8  5  3 23 21  3  2 10 13 28 11  7 13 36 49 -13  40
14 Norwich City    30  8  3  4 18 16  2  6  7 11 18 10  9 11 29 34  -5  39
15 Sheff. United   31  8  3  4 23 15  2  6  8 17 31 10  9 12 40 46  -6  39
16 Crystal Palace  31  6  7  3 26 17  3  3  9 18 33  9 10 12 44 50  -6  37
17 Tranmere Rovers 31  7  5  3 25 17  3  2 11 15 30 10  7 14 40 47  -7  37
18 Nottm Forest    31  6  6  3 19 13  2  3 11 14 27  8  9 14 33 40  -7  33
19 West Brom A.    31  3  9  4 14 16  3  6  6 12 18  6 15 10 26 34  -8  33
20 Portsmouth      31  5  5  6 22 17  2  4  9 13 29  7  9 15 35 46 -11  30
21 Walsall         31  4  5  7 15 20  3  4  8 18 29  7  9 15 33 49 -16  30
22 Crewe Alex.     31  5  5  5 16 16  2  3 11 14 26  7  8 16 30 42 -12  29
23 Port Vale       30  5  3  7 16 17  1  7  7 16 24  6 10 14 32 41  -9  28
24 Swindon Town    31  2  6  7 14 25  1  5 10  7 26  3 11 17 21 51 -30  20

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